Best Jokes

1. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and
I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

2. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospital dying of
nothing.

3. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an
argument going.

4. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they use to.

5. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a
woman is their eyes, and woman say the first thing they notice about men is
they're a bunch of liars.

6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

7. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

8. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you $200 and a
substantial tax cut saves you 35 cents?

9. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

10. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

11. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

12. You read about all these terrorists---most of them came here legally,
but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15
years. Now compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video
and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of
immigration.

Jack was single. He lived in a small flat, which he shared with a pet parrot and a pit bull terrier named spike. When Jack's dishwashing machine broke down, he asked his neighbor Pet, the repairman to come and fix it. “The terrier won't harm you,” said Jack before leaving, "But whatever you do, NEVER SPEAK TO THE PARROT"

Soon after, the parrot started on Pet: "I heard your wife shout at you the other day, you are such a wimp" Pet ignored it and kept working. "You couldn't change your flat tire the other day" said the parrot, “so how are you going to fix a dishwashing machine?"
Fed up, Pet replied, "Okay. How would I expect you, with the brain the size of a bean to talk any sense?"
That’s it! Said the parrot, Spike, Get him!

A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?"
The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."
The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again. "Mother?" She sweetly asked again.
"Yes?" Her Mother replied. "Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"

A young lady to her friends: "You know I have never been kissed by any man except my husband."
One friend: "Are you boasting or complaining?"