Best Jokes

A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"

The man replied, "a burger and a coke."

"And you?"

"I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay.

"That will be $4.50." The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Friday. "The usual?" she asked.

"No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."

"Me too," says the ostrich.

They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95." The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week. The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"

"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared."

"Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"

"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket."

"Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?" she asked.

"Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."

Q: An electric train is travaling South and the wind is blowing East. Which way is the smoke blowing?

A: There is no smoke it's an electric train.

A year ago, Hans Vonk conducted the St. Louis Symphony Orchestra in a production of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. During the final movement of Beethoven's Ninth, there is a large pause in the Orchestration where only the chorus sings.

Four bass players, feeling they could use this break to get out and stretch their legs, slipped off backstage and proceeded to go outside to smoke a cigarette and take a little nip from a bottle one of them was carrying.

Well, they lost track of time and became quite inebriated. Finally one of them says, "Say! We should really be getting back in... It's almost time to play our part."

"Don't worry," confided one of the other bassists with a wink. "I've fixed it so that we have a longer pause... I tied together the last parts of the conductor's score before our part begins!"

All the bass players had a good chuckle and took a few more swigs and headed in. Once they popped back on stage, they saw that conductor Vonk was absolutely furious. After all, it was the bottom of the Ninth, the basses were loaded, and the score was tied.

Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant, “You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers.”
The man thought for a moment. “What are peers?” he asked.
“They’re people just like you – your equals.”
“Forget it,” retorted the defendant. “I don’t want to be tried by a bunch of thieves.”