Latest Jokes

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

There was a terrible automobile accident. A family of four was killed and their pet chimpanzee was the only survivor.

The investigators were trying to figure out what happened when one of them had an idea. "I understand chimps are very intelligent. Some of them can use sign language. Let's try it. What was the mother doing?" he asked.

The chimp put up one hand for a mirror and with the other pretended to put on lipstick. "She was putting on lipstick!" he exclaimed.

Pleased that they were communicating, he continued the questioning. "What were the kids doing?" The chimp put up his fists and punched the air. "They were fighting!" The chimp nodded.

"What was the father doing?" The chimp tipped back his head and raised his hand as if drinking from a bottle. "Drinking! The father was drinking!"

"And what were you doing?" he asked the chimp. With intense concentration the chimp peered straight ahead and grabbed the imaginary steering wheel.

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?"

"Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."

The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.

"Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked.

"No, help yourself," replied his neighbor.

The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.

The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."