Latest Jokes

1. Your potted plants stay alive. 
2. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 
3. 6:00 A.M. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. 
4. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 
5. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
6. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup. 
7. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
8. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'. 
9. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
10. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 
11. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 
12. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
13. Dinner and a movie = The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
14. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again." 
15. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 

The local newspaper funeral notice telephone operator received a phone call. The woman on the other end asked, "How much do funeral notices cost?" 
"$5.00 per word, Ma'am," came the response. 
"Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?" 
"Yes, Ma'am." 
"OK, write this: 'Cohen died.'" 
"I'm sorry, Ma'am; I forgot to tell you there's a five-word minimum." 
"Hmmph," came the reply, "You certainly did forget to tell me that." A moment of silence. "Got your pencil and paper?" 
"Yes, Ma'am." 
"OK, print this: 'Cohen died, Cadillac for sale.'" 

The local newspaper funeral notice telephone operator received a phone call. The woman on the other end asked, "How much do funeral notices cost?" 
"$5.00 per word, Ma'am," came the response. 
"Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?" 
"Yes, Ma'am." 
"OK, write this: 'Cohen died.'" 
"I'm sorry, Ma'am; I forgot to tell you there's a five-word minimum." 
"Hmmph," came the reply, "You certainly did forget to tell me that." A moment of silence. "Got your pencil and paper?" 
"Yes, Ma'am." 
"OK, print this: 'Cohen died, Cadillac for sale.'" 

A man purchased a brand new $350,000.00 Lamborghini sports car. He took it out on the expressway to see just how fast his car would travel. The man accelerated past 100 mph and then an old man on a moped passed him up like he was standing still.

The man in the sports car was amazed at the feat and accelerated so quickly he passed the old man on his moped like he was standing still too. Then as quickly as the man in his sports car passed the old man on his moped, the old man passed him up again just as quickly. The man in the sports car felt so intimidated that he accelerated as fast as he could and passed up the old man on the moped again. The old man on his moped once again passed up the sports car.

Finally the man in his sports car could not believe his eyes, so he got past the old man on the moped and pulled over to the side of the expressway. The old man on the moped pulled over too. The man in the sports car got out and ran over to the old man on the moped and asked, "How in the world could you get that moped to go nearly as fast as my new $350,000.00 sports car?"

The old man on the moped was huffing and puffing and trying to catch his breath. He looked up and said, "Mister, I'm so glad you pulled over because for the last 10 minutes my suspenders have been hooked on to the rear of your bumper!"