I went to the doctors recently. He said, "Don't eat anything fatty."

I said, "What, like bacon and burgers?"

He said, "No, I mean you, Fatty, don't eat anything!"

Grandpa always said when one door closes, another one opens...

Great man, horrible cabinet maker.

I took my bicycle to the liquor store the other day. I got a bottle of vodka and put it in the bike's basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell the bottle would break. So, I drank all the vodka and then headed home.

It turned out to be a really good decision, because I fell nine times on my way home.