A customer in a department store is offered a discounted suit by a salesperson. "But the arms and legs don't match," he says. "One arm and one leg is shorter than the other."
"That's why it's such a bargain," the salesperson replies. "But don't worry, if you just raise your left shoulder, bend your left knee and walk like this, no one will notice."
"Well.....okay."
The man then buys the suit; after putting in on in the changing room, he raises his left shoulder, bends his left knee, then proceeds to limp out of the store. As he walks down the street, two ladies notice him.
"Good Heavens," the first lady says. "That poor man looks like he's in a lot of pain!"
"Yes," the second lady says. "But his suit certainly fits well."
Milly and Molly are waiting at the railroad station, watching a train come in.
"Here she comes!" Milly exclaims.
Molly then replies, "Actually, you mean 'Here he comes.' It's a mail train."
Traffic cop: "Your license, please."
Motorist: "Pardon me, I'm afraid I forgot."
Traffic cop: "You forgot and left it at home?"
Motorist: "No, forgot to get one."
Matt: "It's times like this that I wish I'd listened to what my Dad always said."
Jake: "What did he say?"
"I don't know, I wasn't listening."