A piece of gold walked into a Texas bar...
The bartender said, “Au, get out of here!”
My dog had a bad case of fleas. So I brought him to the vet.
The doctor told me, “I’m going to have to put him down."
I said, “What? Just because he’s got fleas?”
“No,” the doctor said, “because he’s so heavy.”
Guy tells his wife: For your birthday, how about a new car?
Guy: How about a new boat?
Guy: Well then, what do you want?
Wife: I want a divorce.
Guy: I wasn’t planning on spending that much money.
Father: Little Johnny, I see by your report card that you are not doing well in history. How come?
Little Johnny: I can’t help it. The teacher always asks me about things that happened before I was born.