misc jokes

woman brought an old picture of her dead husband, wearing a hat, to the photographer. She wanted to know if the photographer could remove the hat from the picture. He convinced her he could easily do that, and asked her what side of his head her husband parted his hair on.

"I forgot," she said. "But you can see that for yourself when you take off his hat."

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

A man goes into B&Q and says, “I’d like to order 5,000 facing bricks.”
“Certainly” says the salesman, “Are they for a garage?”
“No” says the man; “They’re for a Bar-B-Q”
“Why do you need so many?” asks the salesman
“Well,” says the man “We live in a 3rd floor flat.”

A lady goes into the hospital to have a very serious operation. While on the operating table. Undergoing preparation, she flat lines and soon finds herself standing before St. Peter. She begins to wonder what she is doing there. "Are you sure that I'm suppose to be here, St. Peter?" St. Peter says: “Let me look at the Book of Life." He looks carefully and says: “Why, no, my good woman, you're not due here for 30 or 40 years!" Suddenly, the lady wakes up in the O.R. and the doctor says: Wow! We thought we had lost you! We've consulted here and we decided you don't need this operation at this time." The lady hesitates and says: “Doctor, since I'm here and all prepped could you perhaps see what you can do about this flabbiness under my arms? And maybe give me a little tummy tuck and..... Oh! Oh, how about these facial laugh lines?" A week later, she is walking across the hospital parking lot when she is hit and killed by a truck. She goes again before S. Peter and she asks: “I thought you said I'm not due here for 30 or 40 years?" St. Peter says:" I didn't recognize you, my dear!"