misc jokes

The police officer: “You were exceeding the speed limit, ma’am, weren’t you?”
The driver: “Yes, I was, sir, but you see my brakes are so bad that I wanted to get home before I had an accident.”

A guy is passing a Mental Hospital surrounded by a wall and he hears the chanting inside, Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! Curious to see what’s going on he finds a small hole in the wall, so he bends and peeks inside. Someone inside pokes him hard in the eye and everyone starts inside chanting, Fourteen! Fourtee! Fourteen!

One friend to another, “My husband is man of rate gifts.”
“That’s nice.”
“He hasn’t given me a present in twenty-five years of marriage…”

“I’m not at all satisfied with the evidence against you,” said the judge to the prisoner on trial, “so I shall find you not guilty. You are discharged.”
“Oh, good,” said the prisoner, “does that mean I can keep the money?”