religious jokes

Proverbs as finished by a fourth grade class:

There is nothing new... under a rock.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with... a private jet.

If you can't stand the heat... try Antarctica.

Better late than... absent.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and... then blow your nose.

A bird in the hand is... better than a woodpecker on your head.

Early to bed, early to rise... and you will get the best cereal.

Don't burn your bridges... or you'll fall in the lake.

Haste makes... sweat.

A penny saved... is not a lot.

A miss is as good as... a mister.

An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground.

Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, “All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!”

With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse’s back—and fell off the other side. From the ground again, he called out, “All right, just half of you angels this time!”

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher. The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

The pastor was greeting folks at the door after the service. A woman said, “Father, that was a good sermon.”

The priest replied, “Oh, I have to give the credit to the Holy Spirit.”

“It wasn’t THAT good!” she said.