religious jokes

Three police officers were standing in line at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked the first officer, “What did you do with your life?”

“I was a police officer,” he responded.
“What kind of police officer?” Saint Peter asked.
“I was a vice officer. I kept drugs off the streets and out of the hands of kids.”
“Welcome to heaven. You may enter the gates.”

He asked the second man what he did as a police officer. “I was a traffic officer,” said the man. “I kept the roads and highways safe.”
“Welcome to heaven. You may enter the gates.”

He asked the third man what he did as a police officer. “I was a military policeman, sir,” replied the man.

“Wonderful! I’ve been waiting for you all day!” replied Saint Peter. “I need to take a break! Watch the gate, will you?”

During the school year, the public library where I work is open on Sunday afternoons. Signs posted around the library read, Sunday service available 1:30-5:00, September-June. One day a woman was returning some books when she noticed one of these signs.

"Oh, you have Sunday service now?" she asked me.

"Yes, from 1:30 to 5:00, September through June," I explained.

"I see," she said. "And what denomination is it?"

A young hiker is traveling thru a heavily wooded area and comes upon a Monastery full of friars and monks. He knocks on the door for directions, however is invited inside for "Fish and Chips" for lunch.

After lunch he exclaimed that this was the most delicious fish and chips he had ever eaten. Seeing a chef emerge from the kitchen, he raced over and said, "Are you the Fish Friar?

To which the reply was, "No, I am the Chip Monk."

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

- The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
- The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
- The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
- The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results:

- The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
- The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
- Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
- Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

Just then a little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "I get it! As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"