religious jokes

A grandfather was going by his little granddaughter's room one night when he saw her kneeling beside her bed, with head bowed and hands folded, repeating the alphabet.

"What are you doing?" he asked her.

She explained, "I'm saying my prayers, but I couldn't think of just what I wanted to say. So I'm just saying all the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together however he thinks best."

Father Pedro was called to a house to attempt to expel an evil spirit from an elderly woman. He brought an assistant pastor to help with the procedure. The woman's daughter answered the door and motioned to where her mother was sitting. The Father walked over to the woman, waved a cross, and shouted, "Out, demon!"

He then tore off his robe, revealing running shoes and jogging shorts. Then, he rushed out the door and ran a quick mile around the block. Returning to the house and donning his robe, he went over to the woman and shouted, "Out, you filthy devil!"

And again, after removing his priest's outfit, he was out the door to run another mile. The old woman's daughter was confused about the priest's behavior and asked the assistant pastor, "What in the world is going on here?"

To which the pastor answered, "Oh, that's just the way Father Pedro exorcises!"

​A man dies and goes to heaven. One of God’s angels meets the man and says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, “I never ate a piece of non-kosher food in my 90 years. Nothing.”

"That's wonderful," says the angel, "that's worth three points!"

"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended the services all my life and always gave as much charity as I could."

"Terrific!" says the angel, "that's certainly worth a point."

"One point? Oy. How about this, I started a soup kitchen in my city and volunteered at the senior’s home."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.

"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries. "The way you guys grade, there’s no way my Selma got in here.”

“Selma who?” asks the angel.

“My wife, Selma Rothenstein. You know, Selma and I were married for 60 years and I never raised my voice at her, not even once."

“Oh, thaaat Selma,” the angel nods. “You put up with her for 60 years?! Come right in!”

A not-so-bright girl is flying in a plane when her pilot keels over. She calls out: "Mayday! Mayday! My pilot is dead!"

Air traffic control responds, "Don't worry, I'll talk you through this. What's your height and position?"

"I'm five-four and I'm in the plane," she says.

"Repeat after me," says the voice. "Our Father, who art in heaven...."