During a sermon one Sunday, the pastor heard two teenage girls in the back giggling and disturbing people.
He interrupted his sermon and announced sternly, "There are two of you here who have not heard a word I've said." That quieted them down.
When the service was over, he went to greet people at the front door. Three different adults apologized for going to sleep in church, promising it would never happen again.
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how, after the worship service, he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the
church building.
Therefore, he was slightly annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," said the minister. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in difficulty. The roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist.
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he. “I don't understand,” he inquired to Saint Peter. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”
“Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results,” Saint Peter explained. “Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”
“Well,” the minister had to admit, “sure, some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.”
“Exactly!” said Saint Peter. “When people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed!”
The priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so."
Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the priest said to her, 'Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."
Sister Mary said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary was summoned by the Priest: "You may say another two words, Sister Mary."
"Cold food," said Sister Mary, and the priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the priest again called Sister Mary in to his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary. "It's probably best," said the priest, "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."