Best Jokes

Tired of having to balance his wife Lucy’s checkbook, Bob made a deal with her; he would only look at it after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape. Only then would he lend his expertise.
The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, the woman said proudly, “There! I’ve done it! I made it balance!”
Impressed, Bob came over to take a look.
“Let’s see … mortgage 550.00…electricity 70.50…phone 35.00.” His brow wrinkled
as he read the last entry. “It says here ESP, 615.00. What the heck is that?”
“Oh,” she said, “That means, Error Some Place.”

“Doc!” the man yells. I’ve lost my memory!”
“Calm down, sir. When did this happen.”
The man looked at him. “When did what happen?”

After spending all day putting in a new cement walk, Mr. Sullivan was horrified to see his kids using sticks to write their names in it. After screaming viciously at the kids, he came back inside, only to find his wife scowling. “How could you do that?” she asked.
“It’s just a walkway, and – don’t you love your kids?” Her husband said, “In the abstract, yes. But not in the concrete.”

After years in the work force, someone finally concluded that an employer is someone who’s late when you’re early and early when you’re late.