Latest Jokes

Don't you just hate it when people respond with BIG WORDS that make them sound so PERSPICACIOUS?

Years of smoking finally caught up with my friend John one morning when he keeled over at work, clutching his heart. He was rushed to a hospital and peppered with questions.

"Do you smoke?" asked a paramedic.

"No," John whispered. "I quit."

"That's good. When did you quit?"

"Around 9:30 this morning."

I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, 'Thanks for putting up with me so long.'

When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.

"Just where do you think you going?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" I said.

She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: "Thanks for putting up with me. So long."

"Hello 911, my wife passed out, but wait, I think she's starting to come to again."

(911) "What happened just before she passed out?"

"I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner."

(911) "Then what happened?"

"She said, 'On a Monday night?' and then she passed out."

(911) "No worries then, she'll be fine. I get a rash of these calls when they cancel Monday night football."