Latest Jokes

Three mice are sitting around drinking and boasting about their strengths. The first mouse says "Mouse traps, Ha! I do pushups with the bar". The second mouse pulls a pill from his pocket, swallows it, and says with a grin "D-Con Rat Poison". The third mouse finishes his drink, slams his glass on the table and starts to leave. The first mouse says, "Where do you think you're going?”
"Time to go home and chase the cat”

A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn't know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself
to write the word "toilet" in her letter.

After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom closet" but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.

"Does the camping ground have it's own B.C." is what she wrote.

Well, the camping ground owner wasn't a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C. stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply.

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.

I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.

As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember this is a very friendly community

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was every insistent. His response was, "Yes, Sir!" Since he was talking to his mother (and she is a woman), it was not expected of him to call her "Sir".
"You would say, 'yes sir,' to a man, I am a lady, and you would say 'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady," Mom said. To quiz him on is lesson; she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?"
"Yes Sir!" was the reply
"Then what would you say to Mama?"
"Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered.
"Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?"
He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"

This guy wins the lottery and decides to buy the nicest car he could find. He buys a Ferrari. It went 320 mph, had a V-12 engine, and went from 0-60 in 3 seconds. He thought nobody would be able to pass him. He decided to show his car off around town. He approaches a stoplight and at that stoplight came an old guy on a moped. The old guy says, "Nice car you have there can I take a look inside." The man says, "Sure look around all you want." When the old guy came out he said the car was all right. The guy who owned the Ferrari was pissed. His car was more than all right. So he decides to show the old man what his car could do. When the light turned green the man accelerated to 140 mph. just as the guy thought he had lost the old man he saw a black dot in his rear view mirror and it was gaining on him. IT WAS THE OLD GUY ON THE MOPED. The moped past the Ferrari. The guy in the Ferrari was like "no way." He then sped up to 240 mph and dusted the moped. But just as the guy in the Ferrari thought he had it made he saw a black dot in his rear view mirror and it was gaining on him. IT WAS THE OLD GUY ON THE MOPED. The moped passed him again. The guy in the Ferrari was getting mad, how could a moped do this. The guy then said, "that’s it" and floored it. He blazed past the old man going 320 mph. The guy in the Ferrari said " there’s no way he can pass me now. But just as he said that he saw a black dot in his rear view mirror and it was gaining on him. IT WAS THE OLD GUY ON THE MOPED. There was nothing the guy in the Ferrari could do. He was going as fast as he could. But this time the guy on the moped didn't pass him; it hit the back of his car. The guy in the Ferrari stopped immediately and ran to the old man. Amazingly the old man was still alive. The guy asked the old man if there was anything he could do. The old man replied, " Unhook my suspenders off of your rear view mirror.