I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many.”

“That one is a freebie.”

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.

A realist sees a freight train.

The train conductor sees three idiots standing on the track.

A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier.

"Have you any two watt bulbs?"

"For what?"

"That’ll do, I'll take two."

"Two what?"

"I thought you didn’t have any."

"Any what?"

"Yes please!"

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius...

But his brother Frank was a monster!