What are the favorite vegetables in Washington, D.C.?

In Congress, it's celery...

At the White House, carrots...

And of course, at the Supreme Court, leeks.

It was my wife's birthday and she rang me to see what time I would be home.

"Can't talk," I said, "I'm driving."

"Where are you?" she asked.

She wasn't happy when I said the 7th tee.

I went a wise man the other day for advice and he said, "He who knows and knows he knows, knows not. He who knows not and knows he knows not, knows."

I don't know who's going to do my taxes next year, but I know it won't be him again.

For her birthday, the only gift I got my wife is an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.

She is in for a rude awakening.