Being at my college often meant having your umbrella taken without your knowledge and if lucky returned during the rainy season. So I was pleasantly surprised when my roommate showed me an umbrella and asked me if it was mine. My umbrella was a brand called "Happy".
So I told him, "Check if it's Happy."
He promptly proceeded to open and close the umbrella twice in quick succession. He looked at me and gravely concluded, "Doesn't sound so happy."
After studying all night for his zoology final, David, a senior, enters class confident that he will conquer the test. He takes his seat and looks around at all the panicked faces around him. "I got this," he says to himself, pulling out his lucky pen.
The professor calls for attention and only then does David see the six stuffed birds covered with canvas with only their feet showing. The professor says, "Identify the birds. You have the entire class time. Begin."
"This is impossible," says David.
"Nothing is impossible," replies the professor.
Little by little the other students finish their exam and turn in their papers. David looks down at his blank sheet and shakes his head in disgust as the anger of defeat bubbles forth. "THIS IS RIDICULOUS! I studied all night!" He crumples his test and throws it on the floor. "THIS IS THE DUMBEST TEST I HAVE EVER SEEN!" He jabs his finger in the professor's direction but says nothing, and storms toward the exit.
The professor calls out, "What is your name young man?"
In response, David spins around, hikes up his pants and thrusts his foot at the professor. "You tell me!"
At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated by attending a late night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many any "potential dates" at the party.
"Oh, I'm much more attracted to the strong academic types than to the party animals," she said. "What's your G.P.A.?"
Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 25 in the city and 40 on the highway."
A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Walmart in a buggy. Each time she put something in the basket she would say, "And here's something for you, Diploma," or "This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma," and so on.
Eventually a bewildered shopper who had heard all this finally asked, "Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?"
The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to Virginia Tech and this is what she came home with!"