Some people at a university operated a "bank" of term papers and other homework assignments where students could buy ready-made work. There were papers to suit all needs. The "bank" had A grade, B grade, and C grade papers, since it would be rather suspicious if an undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay.
A student, who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his assignment, went to the "bank" and purchased a paper with an inconspicuous C grade. He then retyped it and handed in the work to his professor.
Soon, the student received the paper back with the professor's comments, which read, "I wrote this paper myself 25 years ago and I always thought it should have been graded an A, so now I'm more than pleased to give it one!"
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock", the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's two AM in the morning!
Being at my college often meant having your umbrella taken without your knowledge and if lucky returned during the rainy season. So I was pleasantly surprised when my roommate showed me an umbrella and asked me if it was mine. My umbrella was a brand called "Happy".
So I told him, "Check if it's Happy."
He promptly proceeded to open and close the umbrella twice in quick succession. He looked at me and gravely concluded, "Doesn't sound so happy."
After studying all night for his zoology final, David, a senior, enters class confident that he will conquer the test. He takes his seat and looks around at all the panicked faces around him. "I got this," he says to himself, pulling out his lucky pen.
The professor calls for attention and only then does David see the six stuffed birds covered with canvas with only their feet showing. The professor says, "Identify the birds. You have the entire class time. Begin."
"This is impossible," says David.
"Nothing is impossible," replies the professor.
Little by little the other students finish their exam and turn in their papers. David looks down at his blank sheet and shakes his head in disgust as the anger of defeat bubbles forth. "THIS IS RIDICULOUS! I studied all night!" He crumples his test and throws it on the floor. "THIS IS THE DUMBEST TEST I HAVE EVER SEEN!" He jabs his finger in the professor's direction but says nothing, and storms toward the exit.
The professor calls out, "What is your name young man?"
In response, David spins around, hikes up his pants and thrusts his foot at the professor. "You tell me!"