A new student at Harvard stopped an upperclassman and asked, "Where's the library at?"
The upperclassman said, "Never end a sentence with a preposition. Cops do it on TV, but it isn't proper, so to speak."
The new student said, "Pardon me. Where's the library at, MORON?"
Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, "Your son go back to college yet?"
"Two days ago."
"Hmm. Mine's a senior this year, so it's almost over. In May, he'll be an engineer. What's your boy going to be when he gets out of college?"
"At the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about thirty."
"No, I mean what's he taking in college?"
"He's taking every penny I make."
"Doesn't he burn the midnight oil enough?"
"He doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight oil."
"Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?"
"Sure has! It's totally cured his mother of bragging about him!"
An angel appears at a College faculty meeting and tells the Dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, infinite wisdom, or infinite beauty. Without hesitating, the Dean selects infinite wisdom.
“Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the Dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, “Say something.”
The Dean sighs and says, “I should have taken the money.”
You Know You Are Out of College When:
- Your potted plants stay alive.
- Sleeping in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
- You have to pay your own credit card bill.
- Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
- "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
- "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.
- Jeans, flannels and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
- You stop confusing 401k plan with 10K run.
- You go to parties that police don't raid.
- You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
- Your car insurance goes down.
- You refer to college students as kids.
- You feed your dog science diet instead of taco bell.
- Half your conversations with current college students start with, "When I was in college..."