doctor jokes

A man walks into a doctor’s office with a stick of celery in one ear, a carrot in the other and a grape up his nose. Confused, the man asks: "Doctor what's wrong with me?" The doctor looks at the man and replies: "You're not eating properly!"

A woman was rushed into the hospital in an ambulance as she was just about to give birth to twins. She wasn't able to reach her husband, so she left message with her brother, who was going to meet her at the hospital. At the hospital the lady was in such pain that she had to be sedated. A couple of hours after the babies had been delivered, she woke up and asked to see her children.

"Doctor, could you bring my babies to me so I can name them?"

The doctor replied, "You don't need to worry about names, your brother has already named them.

"Why did you let him name them, he has no sense! What did he name the little girl then?"

"De-nise!" replied the doctor.

"Oh that’s not too bad, I thought u were going to tell me he'd named her something awful. So what did he name the boy?"

"De-nephew, of course."

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine..."

A new nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" 

The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?" 

The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."