misc jokes

One day a woman called an auto mechanic to inquire when he could work on her car. "I'm not busy now," he replied, "bring it right in."

A short time later the woman pulled into the service bay, stopping her small car perfectly over the wide, deep grease pit.

"Wow!" remarked Wayne. "That's great driving. Your wheels only have a couple of inches to spare on each side of the pit."

She looked blankly at him and asked, "What pit?"

A woman walked into a library and wondered whether they had any books about paranoia.

The librarian replied, “They’re right behind you.”

As the three ladies picked up a menu, each put on a pair of glasses.

"I really only need mine for close reading," explained the first.

Remarked the second, "I only use mine when the light is bad."

The third confessed, "I rarely wear mine - except when I want to see."

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard,” replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine,” replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, he clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her, "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.