police jokes

Question: Why did the police take the woman with insomnia to jail?

Answer: Because she kept resisting a rest.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took the first man to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!"

"You can't be serious," said the man, "I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried," he said, "but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes; take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another, until the clip was empty. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "Somebody loaded the gun with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

A cop pulls over a guy and says, "Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?"

"Gee, officer," the man replies. "Your eyes are awfully glazed -- have you been eating doughnuts?"

A police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."