Best Jokes

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. Chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week." "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?" "I will if those useless jerks at the lumber yard ever bring us the f@#@$'n drywall," replied the little girl.

Question: Why did Yo Momma poke herself in the eye?

Answer: She wanted to see what her fingertip looked like!

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his medical degree in his home town and left for Manhattan. Soon he was invited to give a speech back in his home town. As he placed his papers on the lectern they slid off onto the floor and when he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he passed a gigantic fart and the microphone amplified it throughout the room.

He was embarrassed but regained his composure to deliver his paper. After he concluded, he raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown until decades later.

His return those many years later was to visit his ailing, elderly mother. He reserved a hotel room under a false name, Levy, and arrived under cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here but
then I moved away."

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the clerk.

"I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him, "Sir, while I don't have your life experiences, one thing I've learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I'll bet that's true of your incident, too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I hope that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

"Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"

A man goes to a job interview. His resume was fantastic and his qualities was perfect for the company. The interviewers were impressed.

"You are a strong candidate, and we would like to hire you. However, there's this 5 years gap in your resume. What were you doing during that time?"

"I went to Yale"

"Wow great! You're hired"

"Yay, I got a yob!"