Best Jokes

Dave and Tom are fishing on a lake. After about an hour when neither of them had a bite, Dave decided to row to the middle part of the lake; where they were very successful TOM: This is a great spot for fishing Dave we'll have to mark this spot so we can come back here tomorrow.
DAVE: I know, we'll put an X on the side of the boat to mark the spot.
TOM: Don't be silly Dave that's no good we might have a different boat tomorrow.

The frontier preacher was giving the traditional sermon on sin. "We should take all the whiskey and dump it in the river!" Back in the back of the church, a little old lady with a bonnet on stood up and shouted, "Amen, Amen!" and sat back down. The preacher smiled and continued, "And we should take all the sinful lust and dump it in the river!" The little old lady jumped up and shouted, "Amen, Amen, Amen!” then sat back down. The preacher excitedly hollered, "And we should take all of the snuff in this world and dump it in the river!" And the little old lady stood up and said, "Now you've stopped preaching and started meddling’!"

A guy comes home from work, runs into the living room, and flops down in front of the TV. He quickly turns it on and starts flipping through the channels. His wife walks into the living room and the guys says to her, "Wife, hurry up and get me a beer before it starts!" The wife goes to the fridge, cracks a beer and gives it to her husband. The husband slams down the beer, gives her the empty, and tells her, "Hurry up and get me another one! It's gonna start soon!" The wife goes to the fridge, gets another beer, cracks it open, and takes it to her husband. The guy slams the beer again, gives her the empty, and says, "Hurry up and get me 1 more beer, it's gonna start ANY minute!" The wife, getting upset, goes to the fridge, gets him a beer, cracks it open, gives it to her husband and says "You know, all you ever do around here is come home from work, sit in front of the TV, bark orders at me, drink beer...............” The guy, hearing his wife complaining, sips his beer, sighs, and says, "YEP, IT'S STARTED!"

A border patrol officer is patrolling the border between the United States and Canada one night when a man drives up on a motorcycle. The officer stops the man and asks, "What do you have in that backpack there?"

The man replies, "Sand."

"Sand?" the officer says puzzled, "Please open the bag sir."

The man opens the bag and there is sand. "Alright, you may go on your way then, the officer said with a puzzled look.” The man then drives off into the darkness. The next week, the same man on his motorcycle drives up to the same station that he did before. He says that there is sand in the bag and, sure enough, there is. The man drives up on a motorcycle with sand in his bag every week for a couple of months. The officer starts to think, "This guy is trying to smuggle something and I am going to be the one that catches him."

The next time the man drives up to the station, the officer says, "I promise, I'm not going to arrest you. But just tell me. Are you trying to smuggle something or not?"

"Do you swear you won't take me in?" the man replies.

"I promise," says the officer.

"Well, I am ashamed to admit it but, I have been smuggling something," the man says.

The officer asks curiously, "What have you been smuggling?"

The man replies with a grin, "Motorcycles."