Best Jokes

Warning Signs of Insanity for Programmers. 
1. You stay up all night coding only to realize that you haven't had any caffeine in about 6 hours. 
2. You wonder why on earth anyone would make a programming language conform to such absolutely bizarre rules of grammar but in a strange way it actually begins to make sense. 
3. You start dreaming in recursion (if you have any time to dream). 
4. You realize not only is it daytime but your project is due in 2 hours, which isn't enough time to even begin running it. 
5. You start customizing your environment because you want it "just right" (and because further work on the program is futile). 
6. You wonder when the invasion will begin. 
7. You understand #8. 
8. You start signing your name in octal (or binary) just because. 
9. You know more programming commands than actual words. 
10. You realize that you have reached the end, and there is no closing command. 

President Clinton decided to buy a puppy as a present for Hillary. He snuck the puppy under his coat into the White House and as he was walking down one of the halls he comes upon Al Gore. Clinton could not hold back his joy and shared his surprise with the Vice President. 

"Look what I got for Hillary!" exclaims Clinton, holding up the puppy.

Al Gore stares for a moment, then his eyes brighten up as he says, "Nice trade, sir!"

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth. 

2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa. 

3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger. 

4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.) 

5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well. 

6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair. 

7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry. 

8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position
1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oops! 

9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos. 

10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor. 

11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant. 

12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge. 

13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.) 

14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman. 

15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon. 

16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done. 

17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours). 

18. Take two aspirins and lie down. 

19. Forget aspirin, drink glass of wine and lie down. 

"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it.
 Can you give me an example of one?" 
"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."