Best Jokes

A man purchased a brand new $350,000.00 Lamborghini sports car. He took it out on the expressway to see just how fast his car would travel. The man accelerated past 100 mph and then an old man on a moped passed him up like he was standing still.

The man in the sports car was amazed at the feat and accelerated so quickly he passed the old man on his moped like he was standing still too. Then as quickly as the man in his sports car passed the old man on his moped, the old man passed him up again just as quickly. The man in the sports car felt so intimidated that he accelerated as fast as he could and passed up the old man on the moped again. The old man on his moped once again passed up the sports car.

Finally the man in his sports car could not believe his eyes, so he got past the old man on the moped and pulled over to the side of the expressway. The old man on the moped pulled over too. The man in the sports car got out and ran over to the old man on the moped and asked, "How in the world could you get that moped to go nearly as fast as my new $350,000.00 sports car?"

The old man on the moped was huffing and puffing and trying to catch his breath. He looked up and said, "Mister, I'm so glad you pulled over because for the last 10 minutes my suspenders have been hooked on to the rear of your bumper!" 

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." 
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" 
Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." 
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple." 

Quick Wit: 
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. 
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,". 
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." 
"But officer, I just wanted to say...." 
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" 
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." 
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom." 

Minds are like parachutes.they only work when they're open
Money is like a promise, easier made than kept