Best Jokes

A man's doctor told him one day, "I have bad news and worse news." "Give me the bad news first," the man said. The doctor replied, "The bad news is, you only have 24 hours to live." "What?!? That's terrible! What could possibly be worse?" The doctor's answer: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

Q: How do you keep an Antartian busy for hours? 
A: Give him/her a blank sheet of paper and tell them to write their name on the front.

A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, 
"Do you have any small notebooks?" 
"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out." 
The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?" 
"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager. 
The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?" 
The manager shrugs, "Sorry." 
"Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman. 
"Nope. Don't have that." 
"My God!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the stinking store!" 
The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key." 

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After eating he pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs away. Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, "HEY YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!" The panda turns around and yells "Yes I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia!" So, the bartender looks up "Panda" in the encyclopedia, and it reads "Panda: increasingly rare species of bear that can be found in the eastern part of Asia. It eats shoots and leaves.”