Best Jokes

Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers) 

SICKNESS 
We will no longer accept your doctors' statements as proof. 
We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY 
We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.

PREGNANCY 
In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay. 

DEATH 
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to . . . or after death. 

This new benefit program started yesterday. 
The Management 

Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers) 

SICKNESS 
We will no longer accept your doctors' statements as proof. 
We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY 
We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.

PREGNANCY 
In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay. 

DEATH 
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to . . . or after death. 

This new benefit program started yesterday. 
The Management 

Top 10 signs your presidential candidate is under-qualified 
10. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii. 
9. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing." 
8. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy." 
7. Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares. 
6. Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut. 
5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?" 
4. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?!?" 
3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all. 
2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!" 
….. and the Number 1 Sign Your Presidential Candidate Is Under-Qualified.. 
1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINE. 

Top 10 signs your presidential candidate is under-qualified 
10. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii. 
9. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing." 
8. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy." 
7. Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares. 
6. Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut. 
5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?" 
4. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?!?" 
3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all. 
2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!" 
….. and the Number 1 Sign Your Presidential Candidate Is Under-Qualified.. 
1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINE.