Best Jokes

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

1. Your potted plants stay alive. 
2. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 
3. 6:00 A.M. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. 
4. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 
5. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
6. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup. 
7. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
8. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'. 
9. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
10. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 
11. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 
12. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
13. Dinner and a movie = The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
14. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again." 
15. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 

The local newspaper funeral notice telephone operator received a phone call. The woman on the other end asked, "How much do funeral notices cost?" 
"$5.00 per word, Ma'am," came the response. 
"Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?" 
"Yes, Ma'am." 
"OK, write this: 'Cohen died.'" 
"I'm sorry, Ma'am; I forgot to tell you there's a five-word minimum." 
"Hmmph," came the reply, "You certainly did forget to tell me that." A moment of silence. "Got your pencil and paper?" 
"Yes, Ma'am." 
"OK, print this: 'Cohen died, Cadillac for sale.'" 

The local newspaper funeral notice telephone operator received a phone call. The woman on the other end asked, "How much do funeral notices cost?" 
"$5.00 per word, Ma'am," came the response. 
"Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?" 
"Yes, Ma'am." 
"OK, write this: 'Cohen died.'" 
"I'm sorry, Ma'am; I forgot to tell you there's a five-word minimum." 
"Hmmph," came the reply, "You certainly did forget to tell me that." A moment of silence. "Got your pencil and paper?" 
"Yes, Ma'am." 
"OK, print this: 'Cohen died, Cadillac for sale.'"