A guy gets bitten by a zombie but he hasn't completely turned yet. The end of his finger fell off so he handed it to a non-infected man saying, "This can happen to you, now run!"
Before running, the appreciative man looks back and says, "Thanks for the tip!"
A girl was visiting her friend who had acquired two new dogs, and she asked what their names were. The friend responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
"Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLOOOOO," answered the friend. "They're watch dogs!"
Marvin has a binging problem which happens to him every year the day after Thanksgiving.
"Why must you gorge yourself on leftovers?" his wife asked. "Don't you have any self-control?"
"What are you worried about?" Marvin replied. "I can quit cold turkey!"