Two women are standing in line to pay their bill at a restaurant. As soon as it's their turn, they hand the young waitress a credit card.
After swiping the card, she loudly called out to her manager, "Mr. Andrews, what do I do if it says 'rejected'?"
As the women's faces reddened and customers turned to look, Mr. Andrews walked out from the kitchen.
"Well," he answered, wiping his hands, "the first thing you DON'T do is shout it out loud enough to embarrass the customer, who might have been thinking of leaving you a tip."
A man was sleeping when his wife shook him and said, "Wake up, someone is breaking in!"
The man had gone through this almost every night for 20 years, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out. This time, however, there was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house.
As the thief was about to flee the man said, "You have to come with me and meet my wife."
Astounded, the thief said, "Why would you want me to meet your wife?"
The man replied, "Well, she's been expecting you for 20 years."
Out in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, and without warning. In one case, a house was completely whisked away leaving only the foundation and first floor. A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor.
The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt. She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself. "It was the darndest thing... it was the darndest thing," she kept repeating dazedly.
"What was the darndest thing, Ma'am?" asked one of the rescuers.
"I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath and all I did was pull the plug and the whole house suddenly drained away."
Frankenstein and Count Dracula had a boxing match scheduled in which they were going to throw the fight. This was so Dracula could win in order to pay off a debt to the mafia. Frankenstein was heavily favored and the mafia were betting on him so they could increase the debt Dracula owed and further put pressure on him.
The bell rung and out came the two combatants. Not ten seconds went by when Frankenstein hit the mat. "Would you look at that," said one spectator. "Frankenstein was barely touched and now he's lying on his back."
"Dracula is dancing the victory dance around him!" yelled another. "The referee's already up to 8."
"This looks highly suspicious to me," said a third. "I think Frankenstein's down for the Count!"