A man dies and goes to heaven. One of God’s angels meets the man and says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, “I never ate a piece of non-kosher food in my 90 years. Nothing.”
"That's wonderful," says the angel, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended the services all my life and always gave as much charity as I could."
"Terrific!" says the angel, "that's certainly worth a point."
"One point? Oy. How about this, I started a soup kitchen in my city and volunteered at the senior’s home."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries. "The way you guys grade, there’s no way my Selma got in here.”
“Selma who?” asks the angel.
“My wife, Selma Rothenstein. You know, Selma and I were married for 60 years and I never raised my voice at her, not even once."
“Oh, thaaat Selma,” the angel nods. “You put up with her for 60 years?! Come right in!”
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,
"It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it... This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding
ticket. Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He took a breath and then continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of
them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer... and honest mister, all I did was tell her!"
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
There go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys - and this guy's got two of'em.
That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Uh Oh! Page 47 is missing!
Joe was invited by his friend Steve to go hunting quail over the weekend. Steve was very excited to show off his new hunting dog to Joe. That weekend, they were out in the country walking thru thick grasslands when Steve's hunting dog stop, went into a pointing position towards some bushes, and then tapped the ground three times.
Steve told Joe that his dog is telling him three quails are in the bushes . Sure enough three quails flew out of the bushes into the air. Joe shot one and Steve got the other two. This went on most of the day with the dog tapping the ground the number of quail that were in the bushes and the guys shooting them when they flew out.
Nearing the end of their hunting trip, Steve's dog stopped and froze near a large bush. He sat there for a minute and then ran off and returned with a branch in his mouth and started moving his head left to right. Joe was confused at this new behavior and asked Steve what was going on. Steve replied, "My dog is telling us there are more quail in there than you can shake a stick at!"