Q: Why does Santa Claus like to go down the chimney?
A: Because it soots him!
The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow."
If Ivana Trump divorced Donald and then married musician Neil Diamond then she would be Ivana Diamond.
If she then divorced Neil Diamond and then she married pro golfer Jack Nicklaus then she would be Ivana Diamond Nicklaus.
If she then divorced Jack Nicklaus and then she married former Mets pitcher Ron Darling then she would be Ivana Diamond Nicklaus Darling.
Shirley Temple walks into a bar.
"What'll it be, little lady?" asks the bartender.
Replies Shirley, "I'll have a Me!"