Latest Jokes

A mother and daughter were reading tea leaves in the bottom of their cups during lunch. Wanting to get attention the little brother said, "that’s nothing" as he flung spaghetti on the wall. He told his mother and sister that spaghetti was a much more reliable source for reading the future.

The mother took a close look at the spaghetti as it slid down the wall. She said, "I think you’re right, do you see that noodle? It’s telling me you’ll be grounded for a week."

Have you finished your chores?
I had to stay after school and talk to my teacher.

Once again, have you finished your chores?
My teacher said I have selective hearing.

Please don’t change the subject, did you take out the trash like I asked?
Oh, I thought you said Billy had to take it out this week.

Wife: You’re an hour late getting home from work again!
Husband: I had to work late.
Wife: I can see blue chalk on your fingers; are you sure you didn’t stop by and play billiards with the guys before you came home?
Husband: (pause) err ah.. I’m using blue chalk at work to mark our outgoing shipments and white chalk to mark the received shipments. I’ve found this method to be quite efficient.

The next night he comes home on time and sits down to dinner.

Husband: We’ve been married ten years and you’ve never made TV dinners. You know I don’t like TV dinners.
Wife: It’s not a TV dinner!
Husband: Then why is it in a TV type severing tray and not on a plate.
Wife: (zero hesitation) I buy the tins and cook your entire dinner at once. I’ve found this method to be quite efficient.

Years ago, when my daughter was expecting her second baby, my husband and I traveled to the Air Force base where they were stationed so we would be able to take care of their first daughter when the new baby was born.

We arrived at their house in the evening and little Jane was bathed and ready for bed. Her mother told her to go tell everyone good night so she dutifully kissed everyone, including her mother's tummy and told us all goodnight and scampered down the hallway.

Suddenly she stopped and said, "Oh I forgot." Running over to her grandpa she reached up and kissed his rather portly stomach and announced quite matter-of-factly, "I forgot to kiss grandpa's baby goodnight."