Latest Jokes

A couple in their nineties are BOTH having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically in good condition for their age, but if they are having trouble remembering they might want to start writing things down to help them. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Where are you going?" his wife asks.

"To the kitchen" he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks, recalling the doctor's suggestion.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down. Just don't start with that! Leave me alone!! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles on into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"

Sometimes... when you cry... no one sees your tears .

Sometimes... when you are worried... no one sees your pain.

Sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your smile.

But fart just one time...

Experienced ice fisher has spent an hour at his fishing hole but is not having luck. He sees a kid sitting nearby on the ice pulling in one fish after another out of the water with his pole. Finally the older gentleman trudges over to the kid and asks him, "I've been watching ya kid, what's your trick?"

The kid mumbles with his lips tightly clamped shut, "M-mmm-mmmm-mmm." When asked again the gentleman gets the same response, "M-mmm-mmmm-mmm." Only this time with more emphasis.

Upon asking the third time the kid spits out a glossy sticky worm into his hand and says, "Ya gotta keep your worms warm!"

The circus was in town and Stanislaus and Oleg were the featured act. While Oleg walked across the high wire without a net, Stanislaus would balance on Oleg's shoulders, all the while juggling 5 balls at once. A few minutes before they were to go on, Oleg called for the ringmaster. It seems Oleg had become deathly ill by eating some bad sushi and would have to cancel tonight's performance.

"You'd better tell Stanislaus," Oleg said. Walking into Stanislaus' dressing room, the ringmaster got right to the point. "Stanislaus, I have some bad news. You won't be doing your act tonight."

"Why not?"

"You don't have Oleg to stand on!"