Latest Jokes

A lady goes into the hospital to have a very serious operation. While on the operating table. Undergoing preparation, she flat lines and soon finds herself standing before St. Peter. She begins to wonder what she is doing there. "Are you sure that I'm suppose to be here, St. Peter?" St. Peter says: “Let me look at the Book of Life." He looks carefully and says: “Why, no, my good woman, you're not due here for 30 or 40 years!" Suddenly, the lady wakes up in the O.R. and the doctor says: Wow! We thought we had lost you! We've consulted here and we decided you don't need this operation at this time." The lady hesitates and says: “Doctor, since I'm here and all prepped could you perhaps see what you can do about this flabbiness under my arms? And maybe give me a little tummy tuck and..... Oh! Oh, how about these facial laugh lines?" A week later, she is walking across the hospital parking lot when she is hit and killed by a truck. She goes again before S. Peter and she asks: “I thought you said I'm not due here for 30 or 40 years?" St. Peter says:" I didn't recognize you, my dear!"

What's the good thing about having Altzeimer's?
You get to meet new people every day!

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.

The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

What's the good thing about having Altzeimer's?
You get to meet new people every day!