I thought my new girlfriend might be the one...

But when I went through her drawers and found a nurse's uniform, a French maid's outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I changed my mind.

I figure if she can't hold on to a job, she's not the one for me.

A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.

”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager. “Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.”

On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.

“Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.”

Me: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

8 yr old nephew: "To get to the idiot's house."

Me: "Oh... uh... yeah, good one, haha."

8 yr old nephew: "Wanna hear another one? Knock knock..."

Me: "Who's there?"

8 yr old nephew: "The chicken."

Here's a great tip: On your way to bed, ring the doorbell.

That way, the dogs will get off the bed and that allows you time to get comfortable.