A farmer was coming home from a hard day’s work, tired, thirsty and almost dehydrated. He stopped at a nearby house and asked for water.
A little boy who was home alone offered him lemonade instead of water. The more he drank, the more the boy told him he could have. He asked the boy if he was sure his mother would be pleased that he drank so much.
The boy replied, “You can have as much as you want because my dog died in it.”
Shocked and angry the man lifted the pitcher intending to use it to hit the boy who then shouted, "Oh no! No! Be careful or you'll break my mother’s bedpan!”
A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor.
"Is Fred home"? he asked the woman who answered the door.
"Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day, the collector tried again.
"Is Fred here today"?
"No, sir," she said. "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day, he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again"?
"No," the woman answered solemnly. "Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription:
"Gone, but not for cotton."
A farmer was running back home when it started to rain. Then suddently he slipped and fell into a muddy puddle.
Suddenly lightning flashed across the sky. The farmer annoyed shouted to the sky saying "First you get me wet. Then you put mud all over my clothes. Now, as if that wasn't enough YOU'RE TAKING A PHOTO OF ME !!!!".
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a group of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?