holiday jokes

All haunted houses are the same. I went to one the other night, and heard the standard screams, shrieks, scary sounds and gotchas.

Then I went to another one down the road and it was like "Deja BOO!" all over again.

Marvin has a binging problem which happens to him every year the day after Thanksgiving.

"Why must you gorge yourself on leftovers?" his wife asked. "Don't you have any self-control?"

"What are you worried about?" Marvin replied. "I can quit cold turkey!"

What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?

They were all born on holidays!

The Santa Claus at Macy's decided to retire, so management put out an ad for a new one. After going throught the applications, they picked who they thought would be perfect for the job. Carl was rotund, had a full white beard and a jovial laugh.

However, after some time problems arose. Carl would forget to show up for work. Then when he did show up, he would seem disoriented and confused and not remember where he was supposed to be. Other employees would often have to search for him in the store to return him to his post, where children in line would be crying when they didn't see Santa there.

"What are we going to do?" asked one manager.

"I think we're going to have to hire a new Santa," said another. "This one's a lost clause."