holiday jokes

Category: "Holiday Jokes"
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The Santa Claus at Macy's decided to retire, so management put out an ad for a new one. After going throught the applications, they picked who they thought would be perfect for the job. Carl was rotund, had a full white beard and a jovial laugh.

However, after some time problems arose. Carl would forget to show up for work. Then when he did show up, he would seem disoriented and confused and not remember where he was supposed to be. Other employees would often have to search for him in the store to return him to his post, where children in line would be crying when they didn't see Santa there.

"What are we going to do?" asked one manager.

"I think we're going to have to hire a new Santa," said another. "This one's a lost clause."

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CATEGORY Holiday Jokes
posted by "Alan Valentine" |
$12.00 won 2 votes

“One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, “Patricia, you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!” At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

2 votes

CATEGORY Holiday Jokes
Joke Won 4th Place won $12.00
posted by "HENNE" |
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Behold it is written in the book of February.

Chapter 14

Verse 1

And it shall come to pass that on val's day, excuses shall arise again: my battery died, my credit got finished, my DP refused to change, my boss selected me for the trip, traffic jams etc...

When thou seeth this signs, be calm, fearthou not, keep thy peace and know that verily verily... thou art not
thy boo's boo, thou art a side chick.

Verse 2

Even when you receive gifts, calls, or were taken out. Remember my dear daughter that all will end on the bed.

Verse 3

Blessed is the boy that bothers not himself 4 any girl 4 peace I will grant to him.

Verse 4

Hear ye hear ye For girls so love February 14 that they
gave their only begotten dignity in exchange for a date, but know ye that who so ever doesn't make that mistake shall not have the fear of 9 month assignment.

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CATEGORY Holiday Jokes
posted by "DJ SLAM" |
0 votes

Have you ever wondered why the angel sits on top of the tree? Let me tell you the story.

One December 23rd, Santa was very busy supervising the elves as they finished making their toys for him to give the children. As the elves finished for the day, Santa pulled the shift leader aside, telling him to make certain the elves rose at 7AM so they could begin loading his sleigh.

He went home to have dinner with his wife. After dinner, he told her he was going to bed as tomorrow would be a long day. He asked his wife to wake him at 6AM and have his clothes laid out and his breakfast waiting. Then he goes to bed.

He wakes at 8:30AM. He jumps out of bed and rushes around the room the get his clothes. He begins to grow angry as he dresses. When he's dressed, he goes to the kitchen. There is no sign of his wife and no breakfast.

Growing more angry, he quickly pours himself a bowl of cereal which he eats as quickly as possible. Leaving the dirty bowl on the table, he goes out to his workshop to find no elves busily loading his sleigh.

He stands beside the empty sleigh, trying to get his anger under control when an angel walks up to him, dragging an evergreen tree behind her. Expecting Santa to be his usual jolly self, she asks, "Santa, what do you want me to do with this?

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CATEGORY Holiday Jokes
posted by "Kattie McKinsey" |