marriage jokes

Wife: If I knew you were this poor, I wouldn't have married you!

Husband: What do you think I meant when I said you were the only thing I have in this world?

Three men were at a bar discussing coincidences.

The first man said, "My wife was reading a 'Tale of Two Cities' and she gave birth to twins!"

"That's funny," the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'The Three Musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets!"

The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"

When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!!!"

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask for his help in reviving her husband’s libido.

“What about trying Viagra?” asks the doctor. “It really works.”

“Not a chance,” says she. “He won’t even take an aspirin.”

“No problem,” replied the doctor. “Give him an ‘Irish Viagra.’ It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”

It wasn’t a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, “Oh, faith, T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!”

“Really? What happened?” he asked.

“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate! He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”

“I don’t understand,” said the doctor. “Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good”?

“Oh, no, no, no, doctor! The sex was fine indeed! ‘Twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”

A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:

"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."

Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob goes into his bedroom, and without a word, demands a divorce from his wife.

Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be 'wifi'."