marriage jokes

A lawyer married a woman who had previously been married ten times. On their wedding night, as they settled into the hotel bridal suite, she said to her new husband, "Please, promise to be gentle. I'm still a virgin."

Puzzled as to how this could be possible, he asked, "How can that be if you've already been married ten times?"

His bride explained...

"Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he spent our entire marriage telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function but promised to look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; although he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; while he understood the basic process, he said he needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he knew how, but just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had the product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God, how I miss him!

'But, now that I've married you, I'm really excited'!"

"Good, by why is that?" asked the new husband.

"You're a lawyer! I know I'm going to get screwed this time!" she replied.

On a cold winter evening, a man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same frigid sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower, they both manage to nod off to sleep.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly hand me one of those blankets over there."

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye and says "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."

Considering this for a moment, the woman giggles, "Why not?"

"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

After 30 years of marriage Jane as all women do started nagging to John her husband that he does not love her anymore and told him John why don't you go to get some advice from our friend the Bishop so you will love me more. Well John thought if I go to the Bishop I will drink some of his good wine and went.

When he came back he saw his wife at door, then he went up to her and lifted her and carried her from one room to other. She was really pleased with this gesture and asked What did Bishop tell you.

Well he told me go and carry your Cross and wonder who is my cross?

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. She said... 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud-pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"