Best Jokes

There was a ventriloquist who had no work for six months. He went to his agent and told him he needed work badly.

The agent said, "There's no call for ventriloquists, but if you were a psychic I could get you plenty of work." So this ventriloquist went home and hung outside his door a psychic sign.

An hour later a woman knocks on the door. "I want to talk to my deceased husband. How much will it cost?"

The ventriloquist says, "If you talk to him, $50. If he talks to you, $100. If you both talk to each other while I'm drinking coffee, that's $200."

A grandma lovingly gives her granddaughter a kiss on the cheek upon seeing her at a family get-together. Afterwards, she noticed the little girl wiping her cheek.

“Are you wiping off my kiss?” she asked.

“No”, she smartly replied, somewhat embarrassed but quick on her feet, “I’m just rubbing it in!”

Wife comes downstairs and asks her husband, who is lying on a sofa, "What have you been doing?"

He replies, "Killing Flies."

"How many you have killed so far?"

"Five, three males and two females."

"How did you figure that out?"

"Well, three were sitting on the remote and two were sitting on the phone."

"Wake up, honey. It's time to go to school."

"But why? I don't want to go to school."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."

"One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."

"Oh, that's no reason. Come on, you have to go to school."

"Give me two good reasons why I should go to school?"

"One, you are fifty-two years old. Two, you are the principal!"