A psychiatrist met an old patient and exclaimed, "I heard you died."
"But you see I'm alive," smiled the ex-patient.
"Impossible," said the psychiatrist. "I was told you'd died by a colleague who's had 22 peer-reviewed papers published, so his opinion's bound to be much more reliable than yours."
Dentist: Little Johnny, you're not brushing your teeth very well. Do you know what comes after decay?
Little Johnny: De 'L'?
How do you turn an elephant into an insect?
Take away the "eleph."
Two dogs talking...
Fido: I can't go to dog obedience school tonight.
Spot: Why not?
Fido: My master ate my homework.