Latest Jokes

The phlebotomist entered the hospital room to draw blood. Noticing an apple on the patient's nightstand, she remarked, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."

"That's true," the patient replied. "I haven't seen a doctor in three days."

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet. She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well-behaved and quiet?"

Finally, after much urging, a little girl said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."

How hot is it?

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.

In a kids bedroom:

3 year old: I can't sleep

Father: Why not?

3 year old: There are scary monsters under my bed.

Father: Scarier than your mother?

3 year old: "zzz"