Latest Jokes

A woman notices her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “You know, that’s not going to help,” she says.

“Sure it does,” he answers. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

I recently ran into an old student of mine, who said, “I always liked you. You never had favorites."

"Why thank you," I replied.

Then he concluded with, "You were mean to everyone.”

A man was on a long walk in the country. He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.

There was a baby pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.

The housewife replied, "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

Wife comes downstairs and asks her husband, who is lying on a sofa, "What have you been doing?"

He replies, "Killing Flies."

"How many you have killed so far?"

"Five, three males and two females."

"How did you figure that out?"

"Well, three were sitting on the remote and two were sitting on the phone."