Latest Jokes

2 votes

At dinner with friends and family Johnny was asked to say the prayer. "But I don't know how to pray," he replied.

"Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc," said his father.

"Okay," the boy said.

"Dear Lord,.. Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbors son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on the bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor ladies on my Daddy's Blackberry who do not have any clothes. And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom's room when Daddy is at work....AMEN"

Dinner was cancelled.

2 votes

posted by "HENNE" |
$10.00 won 5 votes

A preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning.

"This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.

Little Johnny said, "Sure does, just pull on the cord hard, though."

The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start.

Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough."

"Well," Johnny said, "you need to curse at it sometimes."

The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!"

"Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."

5 votes

posted by "Leibel" |
0 votes

Steps on how to write a college paper...

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
4. Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
9. Listen to one of your favorite CD's and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
10. Rearrange all of your CD's into alphabetical order.
11. Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large.
12. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
13. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.
14. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's Tour b) any movie starring Don Ameche.
15. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung-Fu on channel 26.
16. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
17. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
18. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
19. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
20. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
21. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
22. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the thrill of it.
23. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
24. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

0 votes

CATEGORY School Jokes
posted by "HENNE" |
0 votes

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't on.
3. Aren't you the guy from the village people?
4. Hey, you must have been going 125 mph just to keep up with me?
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop?
6. Bad cop, No donut for you!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I pay your salary.
9. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
10. Is that a 9 mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
11. What do you mean, have I been drinking? And you're a trained specialist?
12. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
13. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence, bet I can outrun you.
14. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
15. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
16. Yes, I know there are no other cars around - that's how far ahead of me they are.
17. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got stuck between the brake and gas pedal,forcing me to speed out of control.

0 votes

CATEGORY Dumb Criminals
posted by "HENNE" |