A man walks into a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8. "But I already paid you. Don't you remember? Says the customer. "OK," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "OK, If you say you paid, than I suppose you did."
The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs. The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the face"
The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my bill and ill be on my way."
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the CRAP out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
Two Irishmen, Murphy, and O'Brien grew up in the same village together. They were friends all their lives, married a pair of sisters, and lived just down the street from one another.
But now, Murphy had cancer and was lying on his deathbed, surrounded by his friends.
He calls, "O'Brian, come 'ere O'Brien. I 'ave a request for ye." O'Brien walks to his friend's bedside and kneels down.
"O'Brien, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm dying 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."
O'Brien bursts into tears, "Anything Murphy, anything ye wish. It's done."
"Well, under my bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into my bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."
O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and true Irish spirit of his friend's request. "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through my kidneys first?"
A Police officer called over to the Station on his radio.
"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"Not yet. The floor's still wet."