I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache, and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.
The only contest I ever won in my family was eating the most paint chips!
Dentists. Doesn't your mouth just hurt when you hear that word? Not only painful - but expensive.
"That'll be 5,000 dollars."
"What? Why?"
"The price of gold went up."
Little Johnny is riding in the car with his mom.
Little Johnny: Mommy, why is there a deer lying down on the side of the road?
Mommy: He's sleeping.
Little Johnny: Why on the side of the road?
Mommy: He likes the sound of the cars driving by, it's very soothing.