Question: Why did Yo Momma poke herself in the eye?
Answer: She wanted to see what her fingertip looked like!
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his medical degree in his home town and left for Manhattan. Soon he was invited to give a speech back in his home town. As he placed his papers on the lectern they slid off onto the floor and when he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he passed a gigantic fart and the microphone amplified it throughout the room.
He was embarrassed but regained his composure to deliver his paper. After he concluded, he raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown until decades later.
His return those many years later was to visit his ailing, elderly mother. He reserved a hotel room under a false name, Levy, and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"
Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here but
then I moved away."
"Why haven't you visited?" asked the clerk.
"I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him, "Sir, while I don't have your life experiences, one thing I've learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I'll bet that's true of your incident, too."
Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I hope that's the case with my incident."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
"Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took the first man to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!"
"You can't be serious," said the man, "I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried," he said, "but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes; take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another, until the clip was empty. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "Somebody loaded the gun with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
A man goes to a job interview. His resume was fantastic and his qualities was perfect for the company. The interviewers were impressed.
"You are a strong candidate, and we would like to hire you. However, there's this 5 years gap in your resume. What were you doing during that time?"
"I went to Yale"
"Wow great! You're hired"
"Yay, I got a yob!"